How Not To Get The Girl
by BelleCeline
Summary: So, how do you get the girl? No idea. But standing second string and watching James' failed attempts at swaying Lily Evans into a date has given me a cornucopia of ways NOT to get the girl.


How do you get the girl? What antics work? What corny pick-up lines actually melt her heart? Which poems make her go weak at the knees? What gestures do you use to imply the start of something?

I don't know. I, of course, have always had it rather easy, being a marauder. A smile was usually enough to warrant a kiss and a few simple words could get you anything else you wanted. Of course, not every girl I ever liked fell for me. I've had a ton of girlfriend's, each prettier, or smarter, or nicer than the next. But in the end there was always something that went wrong and we'd go our separate ways. The only girl who never really seemed to be aware of my existence was a natural beauty and everything a guy like me could want. She was funny and smart, unbelievably nice and incredibly understanding. She never really paid me too much attention up until last year, after all the years that I had admired her from afar. She was the Hufflepuff prefect, and so we often met to discuss ideas. On one of these such days I was late and Amber had to fill me in on my duties. We spent the better part of an hour talking, and then all of a sudden she just kissed me. Then, we started spending more and more time together until people just assumed we were a couple. And then we let ourselves assume we were as well. Then one day we got in too deep and I realized how foolish I was. I couldn't love Amber, for it would constantly hurt her. So we ended things on a rather sensitive note.

But I'm really off topic now. The point of that was to explain to you how there wasn't any effort involved. If you really want to know how to get the girl, a marauder is not a good person to ask. For Sirius it comes with a look, for me it's a couple of eloquent words, Peter's luck has been to the extent of four girls (of which he never talks to us about), and James…James can never get _the _girl. He can get a girl as easy as ruffling his hair in that irksome fashion that he does, but he can't get _the_ girl. The illustrious Lily Evans has managed to evade him for six years and it seems that things won't be changing any time soon. Maybe that's too narrow of a statement… It doesn't look like James will ever get his hearts desire. But you asked me a question. How do you get the girl? No idea. But standing second string and watching James' failed attempts at swaying Lily Evans into a date has given me a cornucopia of ways not to get the girl.

First off, holding a Slytherin hostage and claiming you'll only let them go if she'll go out with you is not a good idea. You want to make her feel like she'll be safe with you, not worried that she'll be taken hostage if she doesn't make your tea fast enough. When James held that first year boy under the Levicorpus spell and refused to let him go until she agreed to a date in Hogsmeade, Lily was less than flattered. She actually ran to get McGonagal, which resulted in the docking of forty house points and a rather awkward lecture about "sexual tension".

Next, I wouldn't ask her to go on a date in the astronomy tower with you, particularly if you word it like, "Hey, want to go do some star gazing with me? I have a key to the tower and I'll give it to you if you give me the key to your heart." That one amused everyone within audible distance, but Lily simply scoffed and walked away. She didn't even find it funny.

NEVER tell a girl you want to have her child. James stood on a desk in fourth year and called for the class' attention. When everyone had turned their eyes upon him, he then grinned at Lily madly and declared in a sing-song voice that he "would be proud to have her child". This led to Lily's cheeks turning the color of her hair, and a disheveled Slughorn ordering James to the hospital wing so that Madame Pomfrey could explain to James that that was physically impossible.

And changing all the lyrics in her favorite song to apply to you and her is not a good idea. Particularly when you are not in the slightest inclined in poetry and you can't read your own hand writing-or carry a tune for that matter. And if she insists that you just ruined the song for her forever, don't try singing it in a different accent. If she didn't like it when you sang it normally, she probably won't like it when you're belting out lyrics as if you're the star in a Russian Opera.

Changing the titles of each textbook in your Defense Against The Dark Arts class to read, "Marry me, Lily" is not really as intimate as it seems. Particularly when you have a class with Ravenclaws who have dyed their hair red in fruitless attempts to grab your attention. And you just so happened to change the words in her favorite book as well.

Breaking in and filling her dorm with lilies while her and her friends are at Hogsmeade is not a good idea. Especially when her best friend is allergic to them.

Jumping in front of her while practicing transfiguration spells in class and declaring you'd die for her is really not all that heroic. Particularly when her friend was trying to change her eyes back from the shade of orange she accidentally turned them. Or when you pretend you were hit with a powerful spell and play like it was your last gasping breath with which you told her you'd always love her.

Coercing her friends and her into a giant game of truth or dare in efforts to find out whether she likes you or to get her to kiss you never works. She always comes up with a way to weasel out of what's been asked of her.

Pretending you're madly in love with her best friend is not at all a good plan. It may, at first, seem infallible, but once the said best friends' boyfriend gets a hint of what's going down you're in for it.

Dragging her into a closet and begging her just to give you a chance should never even _seem_ like an option to you. This is a sure fire way to scare the living daylights out of her and make her think lowly of you.

Intentionally sitting in her compartment and claiming that there was no room anywhere else is ok. So long as you don't proceed to sit next to her and lean in to catch a whiff of her hair. And the only thing that can freak her out more in this circumstance is if the train lurches forward and you end up in her lap.

NEVER, and I repeat, never, pretend like you're drowning just to get her to pull you out and give you mouth to mouth resuscitation. Chances are, she won't be your hero. You'll get some knight in shining armor with a beard and yellowing teeth.

Bribing the divination professor into telling her that she'll fall in love with a tall, handsome, quidditch player whose sought after her heart for five long lonely years is a bit of a flop. Of course, it would help if she actually believed in the mumbo jumbo in the first place.

Most people don't like feeling helpless, least of all girls. So when she falls on the ground or loses her quill, treating her like she's a distressed damsel most certainly won't score you brownie points.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, of course, but some things everyone agrees on. Lilies are ugly flowers, so comparing her beauty to that of a flower's in an attempt to be poetic isn't all that charming.

If by chance she's having an off day and seems to actually be flirting with you a bit, never pull a liner like "Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?". There's nothing that'll have her turn the other cheek faster than a cheesy pick-up line.

When she gets stressed out and you hear her complaining about her full schedule, don't steal her books and complete her homework while she sleeps. That's a sure fire way to make her feel brainless. And if you take the extra step of turning it in for her, she'll be even more angry when the assignment comes back with a bunch of grammatical errors.

When her hands are full, it can be a hit to carry some of her bags for her. But that can quickly turn sour when you try to steal the bag so you can carry it to and from each class for her.

Having guys ask her out boosts her ego. So when she's asked out by someone other than you, don't throw hexes at them in your rage. And if you do stoop so low as to do that, make sure you have good aim so it won't accidentally hit her. Or the headmaster.

When you were six it was okay to tell people she was your girlfriend. Unfortunately, that should have stopped at the age of nine. At the age of sixteen, it's utterly unforgivable. Don't do it.

Nobody likes being told what to do, let alone being forced to do it. If for some unknown reason you end up in a tight space together and her ranting is using up all of the oxygen, kissing her is _not _a good way to subdue her.

Christmas break is generally a time to relax. So don't show up at her house over Holiday and tell her parents you're her boyfriend. But if you do, and they invite you in for dinner, humbly refuse their generous offer, lest you end up setting the house on fire while trying to help with the turkey.

Not only is love potion banned at Hogwarts, it's immoral. While most rules were meant to be broken, letting your hand slip over her pumpkin juice with an uncorked vial warrants you a three year silent treatment at the least.

Everybody loves a good prank, so long as it isn't happening to them. That goes for her friends too.

When you get her out to lunch, even if it's on a group date, always offer to pay the bill. You don't want her to think you're stingy. And don't argue with her when she proclaims she'll pay it. Smile and pay before she can even reach for her purse. Do not throw her purse out the window to stop her from paying.

Pet names aren't a good idea if you aren't involved with her. And if you're hoping to get involved, than don't call her by her surname. It won't help you in the least.

A good slap across the face is usually meant as a type of retribution, not as a code for saying "I want you". And by usually, I mean always.

No matter how much you think her hair looks like fire, don't tell her. Saying it's beautifully blinding like a flame won't make her feel too confident about her red hair and fragile skin.

Kissing can be great fun, if both parties are really willing. And telling your friends about it can be entertaining too. So long as it's the truth and not a lie.

When she gets into fights with her best friend, lending an ear will help you rack up those brownie points. However, calling the said best friend a senseless git will just negate your score when they're best friends again the next day.

Sometimes the overwhelming urge just to tell her everything that you've ever felt occurs. Don't follow these whims-confessing your honest feelings isn't a good way to go when you make yourself out to be a stalker. Then again, Lily over there can't stop turning and looking at James. Maybe he finally did something right. Maybe James Potter finally got the girl...

**A/N: I hope you felt something reading it. Laughter, joy, pain, agony? All of the above. Let me know what you thought, as it was my first one shot, and while I feel that I left it at an odd place, it wasn't necessary to go any further. We all know what happened, otherwise there wouldn't even be a reason for us to be here. So, let me know how you felt about it! And I'll be happy. :] Man I'm on a one shot roll! I decided to bring over my two one shots from HPFF, so there will be another one coming. ;) Let me know your thoughts.**


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